Third Culture Kid(s)

Since I posted that last bit of pessimism, I’ve taken a little time to just kind of sit on things and try to figure out the real problem.

It’s not that I don’t want to finish my dissertation and degree; there are plenty of negative reasons to do it, but there are also several important positive reasons that I want to finish the thing.  BUT, I think I’m feeling too pressured to do it on other people’s clocks, when the fact of the matter is that my priorities and circumstances have changed since I first began my program.  It’s not just my advisor - although she definitely has a timetable she’d like me to stick to, and I don’t think she was especially happy to hear about Sprog 2.0 - but also my parents (my Mom most understandably, since she’s been doing free childcare for over a year now) and M. (again, understandably enough, since his life has been uprooted not once, but twice due to my dissertation needs).

But I think if I’m going to make any progress, I’m going to have to do this for my own reasons and on my own timetable.  It will probably put me out of the running for serious academic work (although, really, who knows?  If it relaxes me a little bit and makes me feel more positive towards my work to slow down, it might have the effect of making me a better scholar in the long run), but them’s the shakes.

When I began working on the PhD, I was single with absolutely no prospects of that changing.  At all.  Meeting M. was a complete fluke, and being able to get pregnant with MM was even more of a fluke - especially at my age.  I’m grateful for both of them, and hoping for the best with 2.0, and, in the end, they’re now my first priority.  The only thing that would make me feel worse than not finishing the project I started would be making my family suffer for it.  I think I can finish the thing and care for my family, but only if I do it on my own terms.