Blub blub blub
I’m finding that I’m experiencing most days like some kind of psychotic rollercoaster ride; I vacillate between feeling like I can do anything and that things are well under my control, and feeling like I’m trapped in some kind of unrelenting hell and doing everything possible wrong, wrong, wrong.
I suppose hormones could be partly to blame. And sleep deprivation - that’s probably a big contributing factor. But it makes the days a little difficult to get through sometimes. I’m unreasonably crabby with MM first thing in the morning - partly because “first thing” lately has been 5:15 am, and at that time - at least the last two days - the baby is still sleeping, which means that I could still be sleeping if some people would just stay in bed. But no. I could refuse to go take the gate down or something, but she’s getting so short shrift right now anyway that I feel guilty about it.
I’m not sure how well the feeding thing is going; right now, I’m primarily breastfeeding, pumping when he misses a feeding (not very damned often during the day), and - forgive me, breastfeeding purists everywhere - supplementing when I have nothing left and he still thinks he’s staaaaaaaarving to death. There’s a clear difference between his “I think I’m starving, I need more food” cry and his “I have nothing better to do so I think I’ll try to feed” cry, and when he’s sucked me dry there’s little else I feel like I can do besides supplement. But because I do, I feel a bit like I’m failing somehow.
(and I have to confess to a little strategic supplementing occasionally; he’s much more likely to get some formula when I’m ready for him to sleep for awhile…bad, bad mommy)
I’m trying not to even think of the diss in any kind of big picture sense; therein lies paralysis. Just trying to keep my head down and stick to my daily 15…although one of these days I’m going to have to get in touch with my advisor and let her know where things stand. Since I’ve been promising a chapter draft for well over half a year, I’m not looking forward to this.
Aaaaaaaaaagh. I’m never going to have my own life again. I’m never going to sleep again. I cannot see the forest for the trees.
January 16th, 2008 at 11:39 am
I had the same guilt when I was ‘working’ on my thesis - I was also in the process of picking up the pieces from a horridly abusive situation (MUCH MUCH WORSE than what I have now…)… needless to say, I dreaded my meetings with my advisor. However if your advisor is anything like mine, he/she just wants to hear that you have not abandoned the thesis… besides, you have a MUCH better (and cuter) excuse (well, 2 of them!) tha I did back then. Keep churning out the 15 minutes, if you miss a few, don’t feel guilty - people with less going on in their lives still procrastinate on their thesis (I have a friend who took, I believe, 6 years to work on her thesis). BRAVA, BRAVA, BRAVA! Hip hip hooray!
I was a breastmilk purist by default - LN simply would not go near formula, she refused to even take a drop. You do what you gotta do, you do whatever it takes for YOUR sanity and to keep that hungry baby fed. Not a bad mommy at all!
I hear ya about feeling as though you’d never sleep again.
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January 16th, 2008 at 12:11 pm
I agree…you do what works and what feels right (screw other people’s opinions and that includes all the parenting books!!!LOL) and just survive until you are out of this difficult time (ok…until they are 18!). I think that we have this notion/idea of what kind of parents we’ll be or parenting we’ll be doing and when we deviate we are really hard on ourselves….i do it all the time…but our kids will be fine in spite of ourselves (they’ll survive the days we are short w/ them because they also get plenty of love just like they’ll surve a little or a lot of formula if that is what works) so hang in there! I can’t even begin to imagine having to deal w/ two little ones (one a newborn) AND a thesis.
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January 16th, 2008 at 9:03 pm
And speaking as the parent of two adopted munchkins, who HAD to have formula (no breast milk in sight, lads and lassies!), they seem to be doing just fine, unless that is you count Trinity’s unabiding love (no, that’s not quite strong enough) for Hot Dogs as a product of her formula days. Keep your chin up; you are doing great. I, for one, think your efforts at this point are Herculean (or perhaps “Alcean” is a more apt metaphor).
By the way, perhaps you should just give Barb a link to your blog, so she can see how much work you are putting in.
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January 17th, 2008 at 11:54 am
Thank you, everyone!! It’s good to have support and encouragement on both the feeding and dissertating fronts. I was okay with MM having both breastmilk and formula when she was little, so I’m not sure what the issue is this time around (besides having a far more vigilant pediatrician’s office now - I miss the old one in the sticks!). But we’re clearly making headway on his weight, at least, so that’s something.
The diss thing, on the other hand…gah.
Jonathan - I’d do that, but I have a feeling she’d just notice that I seem to have time to blog, but not time to write the diss. She didn’t seem very pleased to know I was pregnant way back when, so I’m kind of anxious to get in touch now. But I’m going to have to…
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